Juggling love

To those women out there who can juggle, I could use a lesson or two. I humbly admit that I find it very difficult to share my heart right now, in these first few months of Jameson’s life. All I can think about is him. He’s my center. And I have the best husband ever. He’s my soul mate. Days without Scott are sad. But so much of my energy goes to caring for and loving my son, that I feel I need to add some yeast to my heart so I can help it expand. There are moments when I feel so torn. All my energy went into loving my husband before Jameson arrived. I was never good at sharing. Ask my sister-in-law. Ask my husband where the girl scout cookies went. Trust me…I admit I struggle with sharing things I love. And I’m smart enough to recognize that I need to continue to water the seeds of my relationship with Scott because the better we are, the better parents we’ll be. Now that I’m back at work, I want nothing more than to hang out with Jameson when I get home at night. I need to make sure he hasn’t forgotten the sound of my voice or the feel of my skin, hasn’t forgotten to latch on or how to smile when I say his name. I hope I can learn how to juggle better soon.

The miracle of Jameson

There’s nothing more miraculous than holding your child. For me, it wasn’t the first minute I saw my son’s face or when I held him, all goopy, in my arms for the first time. It took me a few minutes to regain my sense of reality, having pushed for over 2 hours after more than 15 hours of labor. But as the days passed and Jameson became my new reality, as he grew accustomed to me and I to him, this feeling overwhelmed me. Maybe I’m odd. Maybe I’m a bad mom, but it took a few weeks for me to realize just how much my life had changed. Those first few weeks were a blur. I was so sleep deprived and so unaware of the time passing. One day bled into the next and I felt like a robot. Change diaper, secure a good latch, watch the clock to time his feeding, burp, rock to sleep, soothe his crying, put him down to sleep. It took me a full 4 weeks to find myself in all this. And once I did, I realized I could care less about me. My life’s focus is now all about the little boy whose fists clench when he’s hungry, whose lower lip pouts when he’s fighting through gas, whose cheeks shiver after his bath. He is the love of my life and I can’t imagine life without him. I never knew it would be like this for me. I guess I should have prepared myself better. I’m So sensitive. So of course it makes sense that I have such intensity with regards to my son. He’s pure and innocent. And each day he's more fun than the last. He coos and giggles and smiles when we say his name. He loves music and loves to be sung to. He likes his swing, but only when he's swayed side to side. And he LOVES to sleep on my chest which I probably allow him to do more often than I should. There's just nothing better than a sleeping child that feels safest on you.